hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
