Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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