saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
