Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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