Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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