then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
