oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
