I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
