If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
