I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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