Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize