shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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