I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
