Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
