I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
