'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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