Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
