Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
