I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
