Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
