remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
