If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
