just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
