I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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