We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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