my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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