Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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