Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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