I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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