I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he fucked my hip out of place.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
