When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
