you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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