I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
