Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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