I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
