I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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