have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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