there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
we should paint friendship bongs
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