i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
