i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
