Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
