She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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