I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
