well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
