So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
