You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
