I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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