I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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