he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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