An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
